I Am Nothing

seinfelt:

Elaine gets a call from a man who claims to have gotten her number from a mutual friend. Despite having reservations about going on a blind date under such shady circumstances, the man sounds so charming that she decides to take her chances. When she arrives at the restaurant, however, the maître d’ informs her that her date has called to cancel. Disappointed, she returns home, finding an apologetic message on her answering machine from the man. She returns his call, and after a conversation even more charming and thrilling than their first, he asks her to a movie the following night. She agrees with only mild reluctance.

At the theater the next night, the man is nowhere to be found. Elaine watches the movie alone and returns home to find another message on her machine. Instead of listening to it, she calls their supposed mutual friend and asks her about the guy. The friend claims to never have heard of him, and that nobody she knows has ever asked for Elaine’s number.

Whenever Kramer looks out the window, he sees an old woman dressed all in black with a black veil looking back up at him from different places below. He’s so terrified by her that he’s afraid to leave the apartment building.

A half-second delay in the sound system at a comedy club leaves Jerry unable to say more than two or three words at a time before being rendered speechless by the Delayed Auditory Feedback effect. The audience finds his confusion and growing frustration far funnier than any of the jokes he would have told.

Over the next two weeks, Elaine receives seemingly endless calls from her would-be suitor, apologizing for having to cancel on their date the previous night and asking her out on another that night. She tries to decline, but he doesn’t seem to hear her, and hangs up without letting her get a word in edgewise.

George suspects that his coworkers have been going into his office without his permission when he’s not around, and has a high-security lock installed on the door. He immediately loses the key, and the locksmith refuses to make him a new one without the registration card that was included with the lock, which he had thrown carelessly away. After digging fruitlessly through the dumpster, he spends the next few weeks meandering around the building trying to hide the fact that he’s unable to get into his office.

When the food in Jerry’s kitchen runs out, Kramer orders lunch from a nearby Chinese restaurant, but when he answers the door, the woman in black is standing on the other side, holding his delivery. He slams the door and stares at her through the peephole, but she doesn’t leave, despite his pleas. Eventually, he works up his courage and opens the door to ask her who she is. She lifts her veil to reveal his own face beneath.

Frustrated and desperate, Elaine convinces a phone repairman to help her track down the man who keeps calling her. After digging around in records and logs at the phone company, the two drive out to the location listed as the origin of the calls. There they find a flock of birds pecking furiously at the phone line on an otherwise barren road in Tennessee. As Elaine steps out of the truck, the birds spot her and fly away, cackling uncontrollably.

Kramer enjoys a lovely lunch with his quirky, socially-inept grandmother.

seinfelt:

George goes to take a shower, but discovers that the hot water is broken in his building. He shrugs it off and figures one of his neighbors will call the super. Later, he finds that there is also no hot water in his office’s bathroom, but writes it off as a strange coincidence, and is sure that someone else is already taking care of it. He stops at the coffee maker on his way to his desk and pours himself a cup. When he goes to take a sip, he finds it’s almost ice cold, despite the fact that he watched the pot finish brewing as he approached. Worried there might be something wrong with his sense of touch, he wanders around groping objects of varying temperatures, but they all seem to feel as he expects. The metal hood of a car is hot under his hand; an ice cube is cold. But every liquid he tries seems frigid.

Kramer pokes and prods at an ingrown hair in his belly, but has trouble pulling it out. When he finally manages to wrestle it from under his skin, the resulting strand is seemingly endless. He pulls it out for hundreds of feet before finally giving up.

Jerry suspects that his apartment has somehow expanded by an inch in every direction overnight. The others don’t notice any difference and dismiss his claim as crazy, but he sets up an elaborate system of measuring tools for verification. The next day, he checks the devices and finds that his apartment has grown four inches from the previous night. He shows his results to George, who is too concerned with his own problems to care. Another night passes, and Jerry wakes up in an enormous bedroom over twice as big as the one he remembered falling asleep in. He tries to get in touch with the others, but nobody answers his calls or returns his messages. At a loss, he decides to stay awake the following night to try to catch whatever is happening. At 2:47 AM, a soft rushing sound begins, and the walls and ceiling suddenly stretch away from him at an alarming rate. He’s left in a cavernous, dark room of indiscernible size, the doors and windows of which are so far away that he can’t make them out with the light of his flashlight. Terrified and alone, he begins the long trek in what he hopes is the direction of the front door.

A man in overalls taps George on the shoulder on his way home from work and tells him that he’s heard his hot water is broken. George nods and leads him to his apartment, bringing him into the bathroom once inside. As George bends over to turn on the tub faucet, the man yanks up the back of his shirt and feels around on his lower back. George remains still, too stunned and confused to react. After a few minutes of strange noises and sensations, the man tucks his shirt back in, taps him on the back, and tells him, “try it now.” George pokes his hand into the running water. It’s piping hot.

Kramer bursts into Jerry’s apartment to show him the hair, but is surprised to find an impossibly enormous, dark room. He grabs a flashlight from his own apartment and rushes back to hunt for his friend. Tying the end of his hair to the doorknob as a tether, he begins his expedition. After hours of searching, he finally spots Jerry in the distance.

Elaine dates a guitar virtuoso, thrilled by the potential of his “magic fingers”, but is disappointed when the man refuses to interact with her using his hands out of fear of a career-wrecking injury.

Jerry is thrilled to see Kramer approaching, his first sign of human contact in almost three hours. He hollers excitedly, waving his flashlight around and jumping up and down. Kramer jogs toward him, a relieved smile on his face, suddenly collapsing into a bloody pile of chunks.

fandomacepilot:

*aggressively bullshits entire fight scene*

(via thatawkwardwritingmoment)